Houses of Parliament

By: Brian Rogers

As you may have heard, there’s an election about to happen and much of the news has been dominated with some fairly heavy politics.

Involving large sums of money, housing issues, even larger sums of money, and enormous sums of money. Your money.

Here at RR, we are always quick to take these things seriously, which is why we liked this piece, from local real estate guru Ross Brown. Yes it is a free ad for a house salesman; but it meant a second week off writing a column to focus on my important studies of tidal currents, river flows and marine habitats.

Here’s Ross’s take on what sort of houses the leaders of major parties might be looking for. It’s unlikely to help you decide which way to vote, but it may be mildly entertaining…

“With the election coming up and thinking all things political I began to wonder what type of houses would our leaders buy?

Bill English – National

Bill would go for the traditional areas, safe and secure. Possibly a solid 1960s Huntly brick featuring a manicured front lawn with a few shrubs (not too many) and an old grapefruit tree in the corner in need of some pruning.

The home would have to be large enough to accommodate all of his six children – probably a six ‘beddie’ (as we agents call it) and at least three bathrooms and an en suite.

Bill will keep some funds back to finance a couple of rentals in the not-so-popular areas to provide a nice little top-up to his parliamentary pension.

Financing the home would be no problem for Bill; he would call his old mate and ex-Reserve Bank boss Don Brash and over a cup of tea and bottle of single malt have the mortgage secured in no time.

Now you may think Bill’s home would be located in a modest subdivision but you would be wrong, Bill may be fiscally tight-fisted but be is also a smart investor; his brick and tile beauty will be modest but sitting on an untouched quarter acre section surrounded by mansions and, of course, it would have to be sub-dividable.

‘Worst house, best street’ equals best capital gain and Bill’s not into a capital gain tax.

A wise investment.

Jacinda Ardern – Labour

Clearly this home would have to be trendy and in an up-and-coming area. The decor would reflect her smiley personality with extra-large mirrors in the bathrooms plus oversize chrome toothpaste holders.

The kitchen would be set off with a large red splashback behind the induction hob and the lounge would have wall space for her prized possession, a massive portrait of Helen Clark with a hand-written message ‘Let’s Do It’ signed in Helen’s own hand.

The queen-size bed with red satin sheets would be a coveted chattel that would need to be part of the sale.

The house would need a study with a large bookshelf to hold all the policy documents and election promises that never happened.

Being the colourful person she is, Jacinda would have each room painted different colours, the red room (she secretly hates red) would be the biggest room used for entertaining her political flock.

The green room wouldn’t be used as much as it was in the past so would be of a moderate size but would need to be lockable and have a clearly marked back exit.

The blue room would only need to be a converted laundry for political party deserters to use as a safe bolt-hole when things get tough.

The basement, of course, would be the black room, never to be entered unless absolutely necessary – many have entered, few have returned unscathed.

Winston Peters – NZ First

Winston’s home would be a semi-fortress able to withstand full frontal attacks from the media.

Something akin to Larnach Castle would fit the bill nicely, however Winston would be wise to install a large moat around the property to prevent his political parasites from invading the inner sanctum of the kingmaker’s conspiracy room.

To put further fear in the hearts of the masses, the castle would fly the torn and worn black NZ First battle flag now, like its creator, showing the scars and wounds from years on the election campaign trail.

Winston might like to call Kim Dotcom and check of if his mansion is going on the market.

Winston’s insiders say Kim may have to cash up as he could be taking an overseas trip anytime soon.

James Shaw – Green Party

This property would need to be located in the Coromandel and have several acres of unruly land.

An added bonus would be several glass houses for cultivation and supply of tomato plants to the local market.

The house would feature a grass roof and the outside would have imitation mud brick walls and be located by a stream to generate power.

Inside the house would be your standard four bedrooms, en suites and two composting toilets.

The home would be mainly off the grid, however a hidden power cable would supply the essentials of life like the internet, Sky TV, 60-inch curved TV and the still to refine the elderberry wine into whiskey, or as it’s known in the party ‘Turei Spirit’.

The property would need a large dry storage shed to stock up on dry food and cases of untaxed pure New Zealand water to get them through should the find themselves in the political wilderness.

Now if you would like me to find the ideal home for you or just want to check out the price of your house just give me a call, I still haven’t have a call from the Wellington lot yet but guess the election is keeping them busy.”

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