Advance Australia Unfair

Mate, you’re dreaming… no surprises there


 The Commonwealth Games have kicked off on the Gold Coast, and after the cricket cheating saga we can expect the games will be played to Aussie Rules.

That is, the rules apply to all the sportspeople except the Aussie ones.

The theme song for the games is a remake of the Glenn Frey hit and Beverly Hills Cop theme “The Cheat is On”.

The latest case of underhanded Australian sportsmanship has spawned a rash of new thinking here at RR headquarters.

We have developed a whole range of new ideas to inspire Australian sporting legends to even greater levels of dishonesty.

Field day

Here at RR we thought we’d have a field day, or make that a track and field day, with cheating ideas for our trans-Tasman cuzzies.

Since they’re experts at messing with sports equipment in an attempt to enhance their results, we have some new developments in sports gear they’ll just love.

• Discus in a slingshot

• Squash, with a steam roller

• Badminton played badly, will be known as Extrabadminton, or Deviousminton

• Basketballers on stilts

• Diving - the entire Australian team are gannets.

• Judo, with tasers.

But the best laugh we had in the office this week arrived when we twigged that the Australians sing about “fair” in their anthem. So, clearly, I had to rewrite their anthem to more accurately reflect their sporting aims and objectives:


Meanwhile, The Aussie World Sledging team have announced they won’t be at the next Winter Olympics. They’ve taken up PR roles with Australian cricket. 


Parting thoughts

I was at the dog exercise park and all the dogs were happily playing fetch. Except the Aussie Terrier.

He refused to chase the ball until it was tampered with.

And finally, remember that daylight saving ended last week and you should have put your clocks back one hour.

 Except those from Australia, who have claimed back two hours and an extra week at Christmas.